Bereavement counselling is one of the areas of counselling that I currently have a lot of experience in. Having volunteered with my local branch of Cruse Bereavement Care and seen several clients for one-to-one counselling and spoken to several more over the local helpline for Cruse. I am always struck by the variation in each clients grief, what it feels like for them in their body and their emotions, what happened to the person who died and how the clients have coped with each death that they have experienced. I am always deeply moved and inspired by the courage that clients show in telling me their stories about the loved one, or loved ones that they have lost.
Firstly I would like to say that grief is a normal and natural process, it is a means of adjusting to the loss of the person that has died. It is my personal opinion that we never truly get over the death of a loved one and nor would we want to, however our lives can grow around the loss of the person and the grief and we can develop and grow from the loss. There are a number of models of grief that I would like to introduce over my next few blogs. I would encourage you if you are interested in bereavement to research them further.
Models of bereavement and grief are a good way of informing your knowledge as a counsellor and as an individual. Although every client and every bereavement that you will come across is unique- there are some commonalities in experiences of grief and models of grief can therefore help to start a conversation with a client and help to create shared meaning of what grief looks like and what is ‘normal’ to experience in grief. Some clients may know about models of grief already and ask you directly about them.
The idea of growing around grief is illustrated by the work of Lois Tonkin, as shown below:
Here Tonkin is saying that our grief stays the same over time, but our life grows around it, we start to re-engage with life and find happiness. Grief can still be triggered, e.g. by smelling a certain smell, hearing a certain song on the radio, or an anniversary, be that Christmas, a birthday, or the anniversary of the death.
The five-stages model of grief by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (1969) is probably one of the best known models for describing the stages of grief. She wrote a number of pioneering books on death and dying, including this one:
The five stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. In my experience clients will already know about these five stages and will often ask me what stage of grief they should be on.
Through my Awareness in Bereavement training at Cruse I was taught that these emotions were not meant to be stops on some linear timeline in grief. Not everyone goes through all of the stages identified by Kübler-Ross, or in a prescribed order. The stages of grief hopefully help to increase the knowledge of grief’s terrain, making us better equipped to cope with life and loss. At times, people in grief may report different emotions to the ones in this model and it is important to remember that grief is as unique as you are and that there is no wrong, or right way in which to grieve.
Here is more information on the five stages of grief taken from https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/
Denial is the first of the five stages of grief. It helps us to survive the loss. In this stage, the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. We are in a state of shock and denial. We go numb. We wonder how we can go on, if we can go on, why we should go on. We try to find a way to simply get through each day. Denial and shock help us to cope and make survival possible. Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle. As you accept the reality of the loss and start to ask yourself questions, you are unknowingly beginning the healing process. You are becoming stronger, and the denial is beginning to fade. But as you proceed, all the feelings you were denying begin to surface.
Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Be willing to feel your anger, even though it may seem endless. The more you truly feel it, the more it will begin to dissipate and the more you will heal. There are many other emotions under the anger and you will get to them in time, but anger is the emotion we are most used to managing. The truth is that anger has no limits. It can extend not only to your friends, the doctors, your family, yourself and your loved one who died, but also to God. You may ask, “Where is God in this? Underneath anger is pain, your pain. It is natural to feel deserted and abandoned, but we live in a society that fears anger. Anger is strength and it can be an anchor, giving temporary structure to the nothingness of loss. At first grief feels like being lost at sea: no connection to anything. Then you get angry at someone, maybe a person who didn’t attend the funeral, maybe a person who isn’t around, maybe a person who is different now that your loved one has died. Suddenly you have a structure – – your anger toward them. The anger becomes a bridge over the open sea, a connection from you to them. It is something to hold onto; and a connection made from the strength of anger feels better than nothing.We usually know more about suppressing anger than feeling it. The anger is just another indication of the intensity of your love.
Before a loss, it seems like you will do anything if only your loved one would be spared. “Please God” you bargain, “I will never be angry at my wife again if you’ll just let her live.” After a loss, bargaining may take the form of a temporary truce. “What if I devote the rest of my life to helping others. Then can I wake up and realise this has all been a bad dream?” We become lost in a maze of “If only…” or “What if…” statements. We want life returned to what is was; we want our loved one restored. We want to go back in time: find the tumour sooner, recognise the illness more quickly, stop the accident from happening…if only, if only, if only. Guilt is often bargaining’s companion. The “if only’s” cause us to find fault in ourselves and what we “think” we could have done differently. We may even bargain with the pain. We will do anything not to feel the pain of this loss. We remain in the past, trying to negotiate our way out of the hurt. People often think of the stages as lasting weeks or months. They forget that the stages are responses to feelings that can last for minutes or hours as we flip in and out of one and then another. We do not enter and leave each individual stage in a linear fashion. We may feel one, then another and back again to the first one.
After bargaining, our attention moves squarely into the present. Empty feelings present themselves, and grief enters our lives on a deeper level, deeper than we ever imagined. This depressive stage feels as though it will last forever. It’s important to understand that this depression is not a sign of mental illness. It is the appropriate response to a great loss. We withdraw from life, left in a fog of intense sadness, wondering, perhaps, if there is any point in going on alone? Why go on at all? Depression after a loss is too often seen as unnatural: a state to be fixed, something to snap out of. The first question to ask yourself is whether or not the situation you’re in is actually depressing. The loss of a loved one is a very depressing situation, and depression is a normal and appropriate response. To not experience depression after a loved one dies would be unusual. When a loss fully settles in your soul, the realisation that your loved one didn’t get better this time and is not coming back is understandably depressing. If grief is a process of healing, then depression is one of the many necessary steps along the way.
Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being “all right” or “OK” with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people don’t ever feel OK or all right about the loss of a loved one. This stage is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognising that this new reality is the permanent reality. We will never like this reality or make it OK, but eventually we accept it. We learn to live with it. It is the new norm with which we must learn to live. We must try to live now in a world where our loved one is missing. In resisting this new norm, at first many people want to maintain life as it was before a loved one died. In time, through bits and pieces of acceptance, however, we see that we cannot maintain the past intact. It has been forever changed and we must readjust. We must learn to reorganise roles, re-assign them to others or take them on ourselves. Finding acceptance may be just having more good days than bad ones. As we begin to live again and enjoy our life, we often feel that in doing so, we are betraying our loved one. We can never replace what has been lost, but we can make new connections, new meaningful relationships, new inter-dependencies. Instead of denying our feelings, we listen to our needs; we move, we change, we grow, we evolve. We may start to reach out to others and become involved in their lives. We invest in our friendships and in our relationship with ourselves. We begin to live again, but we cannot do so until we have given grief its time.
The above stages of grief can be applied to any loss, whether that is a death, a loss of relationship, a loss of health etc…and whatever the loss is, in my experience the emotions experienced can be equally as intense.
The following loss cycle is another helpful way to look at loss.
Any questions please leave a comment, or get in touch and lets get a conversation going. Depending upon how you were brought up and your family’s views and practices on death and dying, this is not an easy topic to talk about, so let’s help each other.
Take care and warm wishes,